Introducing...
Hello, my name is Acosta and I have ADHD, and my partner doesn't, 'cause I don't have one. Though this started with people trying to help those relationships in which ADHD is a key component, I thought it'd be good for the single man of the group to share how his disabilities are mostly to blame for his relationship status. (Or so I want to think.)
So who am I? (Quick history)
I entered this group through Mike. We've both been special education teachers for the past 5 years and have become best friends in the process. Then I was fortunate enough to meet Britt, the girl's AMAZING, and have now become friends with Steve and Lollybird, two REALLY cool people also. Though my buddies have found that special someone who was willing to love them for everything they are and appreciate them for all the good they do despite their struggles, I haven't. So I figured I would share parts of that journey so that others know they are not alone.
Well, let me start with why I feel my input can be useful for this blog. I've been officially diagnosed with ADHD since I was 24 and was officially diagnosed with severe clinical depression and general anxiety this year. I'm 27. I also deal with full body tics, ODD and OCD tendencies. I take TWO medication for my depression. One also medicates my anxiety and the other "assist" with my ADHD. I tried Adderall when I was first diagnosed with ADHD, but depression was my more severe disability, so the medication wasn't appropriate. I stopped taking it and after trying other 'alternative' medicates as coping mechanisms, I began to realize these "meds" were effecting me differently than everyone else. While others would become "high", they'd tell me I'd become "normal". Of course these meds weren't appropriate either. I needed to kill the beast. My depression.
At the age of 26 I hit my lowest point. I had my suicide planned and could not be left alone for fear I would follow through. It was at the point when I found myself going to my neighbor's house just so I could be supervised that I realized I needed help. I tried my best, but this beast was not my creation and I wasn't going to win the war. I never had medical insurance until I became a teacher, so I thought I'd start taking advantage of it. Knowing you need help and ACTUALLY TRYING to get help is a battle in itself. Mike saw I was struggling and told me he'd give me some of his anxiety medication, which also medicated depression, with the goal that I'd go get my own diagnosis. Depression was an easy diagnosis. I've had a relatively easy life from the outside. I've never needed food, clothes or shelter. Plus, I'd get most other things I wanted. Still, I've wanted to die EVERY SINGLE NIGHT since around the age of 12. I'd hope I'd go to sleep for the last time, but would curse the day when I'd wake the following morning. I've survived under the radar from others because I'd consider myself an INCREDIBLE actor. People think I'm a very happy person and even comment on how much I smile, but I've worked days at school were I've needed to leave campus to cry just because I couldn't hold it in any longer. I'd dry up and go back at it. No one would know. I didn't know I had anxiety until after I'd started on meds and realized my body felt different, relaxed, but good. Now I pop my pills every morning and literally go explore life like I was just born and it's not so bad this time 'round. With this cocktail of happiness, I don't really feel all that different, I just make better choices and am able to do things I'd never been able to do before. It's AWESOME! It's only been about 6 months, but I'm loving my progress.
Ok, now what does this have to do with ADHD. Everything. Disabilities are often co-morbid with other disabilities and they play off each other, making the individual symptoms worse. Currently, my ADHD is worse, I guess. Without anxiety holding me back, I'm much more impulsive and confident than ever before.
What about romance? (This part is short.)
I've really only been interested in 6 girls my entire life, but I only dated 3. The rule is: If I like you first, I will fuck it up and scare you away. I was friends with the other girls or it was mutual, so I didn't fuck it up in my 3 successes. I'm EXTREMELY picky because I'm well aware I'm a tough pill to swallow. I'd need a very strong woman who would see me for what I do and not focus on my challenges.
So what's my love life like?
Think of a bell curve with time/knowledge of me on the X-axis and how much you'd like me on the Y-axis. People sometimes find my behavior annoying at first, but with time, I can usually get people to like me as they get to know me. Remember, this is a bell curve, so everyone in my life has always hit a high point, then took a rapid decent toward disliking me. Girls ALWAYS think they can deal with me or that I can't be as bad as I think, but when it comes down to it, they can't. I keep many of my problems inside, but if someone keeps pushing, and I grow to trust them, I spill my guts. That's when I become too much. It's like the levy breaks and out comes the flood, washing them away.
Out of the 3 girls I dated, I was only in a relationship with one of them. It lasted 3.5 years. I was truly and madly in love. This girl was more important than ANYTHING else in the world and I would have done anything for her. And I did. She was the first person ever in my life to truly love me. She taught me everything I now know about love. She taught me to believe in myself and that I wasn't as big of an asshole as I thought I was. But after my 1st year of teaching, I hit rock bottom. I lost interest in EVERYTHING, even sex! I just wanted to stay home and sleep. After a discussion with her one day, I realized I was holding her back. I was useless at the time. We were always focused on being best friends, so as her best friend, I told her she could do better than me. She agreed. I know that seems cold, but this girl is truly is an amazing person, and even amazing people struggle when confronted with issues they CAN'T understand. It also hard to see the problems when you're still living the problems.
Contrary to what most people thought, we remained best friends, but just friends. That was until this year. After 6+ years of dealing with my same problems, she had enough. My disabilities had done too much damage and she doesn't want anything to do with me now. She'd admit I am an amazing person and can be nearly perfect at times, but the symptoms of my disabilities can be too much sometimes. So we no longer have any connect solely because of my disabilities.
Although that should have literally killed me, it didn't. (I still managed to put a hole in one of my doors though.) Obviously it wasn't easy, but it was NOTHING compared to my depression before I was medicated. Luckily for me, this schism didn't happen until a couple months after I had found my appropriate med cocktail, so I survived.
So as I said at the start, I'm the only single guy in the mix, but who knows what will happen. I joke that I'm becoming allergic to women, so I can't get too close now. I also view women as I giant Rubix cube that I have just become tired of trying to figure out, so I'm putting it to the side for now. I'll tell you'll details as things progress. Stay tuned.
-Acosta
Note: I highly encourage people with any knowledge on the subject to contribute. I know too many people hiding these issues because they feel alone. You are not alone! People are a lot more "messed up" then they let others know. We need to help and support each other so that we can help others understand us, but most importantly, so future generations of kids don't grow up with the same problems we did. Receiving the appropriate treatment in time is often what will help us survive. It hurts me to think of all the people who have suffered from my disabilities, but didn't get treatment in time, and are now either in jail or dead.
Honesty may save a life.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
Hi. I'm Britt. And My Partner has ADD.
Hey there. I'm Michael's partner, soon to be wife, and lover of nearly 7 straight years. My name is Britt. Michael and I are set to be married in less than 5 months. I write a blog about our wedding planning journey called The Bowie Bride, in case you wanna get a load of that crazy shizzzzz.
Anyway, Mike and I have spent 6 years of our entire relationship together living with ADD, un-diagnosed. I say "we" because ADD isn't something that *solely* affects my partner. True, he's the one who has been officially diagnosed with ADD. But in turn, this diagnosis has greatly affected me, and our relationship together as a whole.
I spent years and years of our relationship constantly wondering (and fighting about) why he couldn't focus on goals, or pay attention to conversations,or get motivated, or go out of his way to make the love of his life feel special... you know, the things that tend to come naturally when in a relationship with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with...
But for a person living with ADD, there are a whole new set of challenges presented to that individual - especially in an adult romantic relationship - and especially when in a relationship as serious as ours has always been. Mike and I started dated when we were merely 20 years old. It's amazing to me that our love has stayed this strong throughout the years... for many reasons... but mostly because of his ADD all these years. But I knew from the very beginning that I loved Mike to the core of his very being. That no matter what, I would stand by him, and support him, even if that meant making sacrifices on my part to not just accommodate his behaviors, but to help him work through and better his behaviors associated with ADD.
TO BE HIS PARTNER THROUGH IT ALL. TO HELP HIM OVERCOME. NO MATTER WHAT.
I have spent countless hours trying to get him to be a planner with dates, and to be a go getter with his career, and to overall be a planner and not just a follower, but everything I would try, would fail. No matter how much I encouraged him, or how many To-do lists I would make him. No matter what kind of positive reinforcement was behind him, he just couldn't break free from his Attention Deficit Disorder - even if the motivation to be extraordinary was always in his heart...
And, guys. Let's get one thing straight. Mike is SMART. Like yo-balls intelligent. But "smart" has absolutely nothing to do with ADD. Mike was a national merit scholar, a championship debater, got a full ride scholarship to college, completed a double Masters, and graduated with Honors. But just because he's intelligent and managed to accomplish all these amazing things, doesn't mean he hasn't had a hard road. He was able to accomplish all of these things, even WITH Attention Deficit Disorder. It is a whole different animal, folks. He was only able to do so well in those classes because he was naturally smart - and NOT because he was naturally an avid studier, or an avid participant in class discussions.
It wasn't until Steve gave Mike a bottle of his Adderall, that Mike finally woke the fuck up. Sorry, Mike, but it's true.
Mike, you didn't take that Adderall until Steve encouraged you to. And you knew in the back of your mind that was what you needed. But, I understand. People get help when they're ready. I can't deny that. And to be fair, I probably knew in the back of my mind as well that you should have been medicated for ADD a LOOOOOONG time ago. But, as many do, we get caught up in the day-to-day, and lose focus on the long-term.
So, Steve, I thank you. Because even though it's early, and my Michael has only been on Adderall for two months, we've noticed SIGNIFICANT changes. LIFE changes, in fact... In the classroom when he's teaching, at home with me, in his pursuit of long term goals - we've definitely noticed a change... sure, it's a change that's still in progress... but at least we're making the steps to get there.
Steve's wife Lollibird and I have talked in depth about our experience with living with a partner diagnosed with ADD. And it wasn't until we were able to relate to each other, that we were able to begin to understand the weight of our partner's afflictions. And sure, we may not be completely there in our understanding of what ADD truly is at its core, and how it's most-effectively treated, but we're taking steps in the right direction. Together. The four of us. And it feels good.
If you or your partner have been affected by this disorder, or think you or your partner may have it, I urge you to share your story here. 'Cause it wasn't until Lollibird and I opened up the discussion, that we were able to help our partners and our relationships through it.
email us, mypartnerhasadd[at]gmail[dot]com
Share your story. Thanks for listening.
Anyway, Mike and I have spent 6 years of our entire relationship together living with ADD, un-diagnosed. I say "we" because ADD isn't something that *solely* affects my partner. True, he's the one who has been officially diagnosed with ADD. But in turn, this diagnosis has greatly affected me, and our relationship together as a whole.
I spent years and years of our relationship constantly wondering (and fighting about) why he couldn't focus on goals, or pay attention to conversations,or get motivated, or go out of his way to make the love of his life feel special... you know, the things that tend to come naturally when in a relationship with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with...
But for a person living with ADD, there are a whole new set of challenges presented to that individual - especially in an adult romantic relationship - and especially when in a relationship as serious as ours has always been. Mike and I started dated when we were merely 20 years old. It's amazing to me that our love has stayed this strong throughout the years... for many reasons... but mostly because of his ADD all these years. But I knew from the very beginning that I loved Mike to the core of his very being. That no matter what, I would stand by him, and support him, even if that meant making sacrifices on my part to not just accommodate his behaviors, but to help him work through and better his behaviors associated with ADD.
TO BE HIS PARTNER THROUGH IT ALL. TO HELP HIM OVERCOME. NO MATTER WHAT.
I have spent countless hours trying to get him to be a planner with dates, and to be a go getter with his career, and to overall be a planner and not just a follower, but everything I would try, would fail. No matter how much I encouraged him, or how many To-do lists I would make him. No matter what kind of positive reinforcement was behind him, he just couldn't break free from his Attention Deficit Disorder - even if the motivation to be extraordinary was always in his heart...
And, guys. Let's get one thing straight. Mike is SMART. Like yo-balls intelligent. But "smart" has absolutely nothing to do with ADD. Mike was a national merit scholar, a championship debater, got a full ride scholarship to college, completed a double Masters, and graduated with Honors. But just because he's intelligent and managed to accomplish all these amazing things, doesn't mean he hasn't had a hard road. He was able to accomplish all of these things, even WITH Attention Deficit Disorder. It is a whole different animal, folks. He was only able to do so well in those classes because he was naturally smart - and NOT because he was naturally an avid studier, or an avid participant in class discussions.
It wasn't until Steve gave Mike a bottle of his Adderall, that Mike finally woke the fuck up. Sorry, Mike, but it's true.
Mike, you didn't take that Adderall until Steve encouraged you to. And you knew in the back of your mind that was what you needed. But, I understand. People get help when they're ready. I can't deny that. And to be fair, I probably knew in the back of my mind as well that you should have been medicated for ADD a LOOOOOONG time ago. But, as many do, we get caught up in the day-to-day, and lose focus on the long-term.
So, Steve, I thank you. Because even though it's early, and my Michael has only been on Adderall for two months, we've noticed SIGNIFICANT changes. LIFE changes, in fact... In the classroom when he's teaching, at home with me, in his pursuit of long term goals - we've definitely noticed a change... sure, it's a change that's still in progress... but at least we're making the steps to get there.
Steve's wife Lollibird and I have talked in depth about our experience with living with a partner diagnosed with ADD. And it wasn't until we were able to relate to each other, that we were able to begin to understand the weight of our partner's afflictions. And sure, we may not be completely there in our understanding of what ADD truly is at its core, and how it's most-effectively treated, but we're taking steps in the right direction. Together. The four of us. And it feels good.
If you or your partner have been affected by this disorder, or think you or your partner may have it, I urge you to share your story here. 'Cause it wasn't until Lollibird and I opened up the discussion, that we were able to help our partners and our relationships through it.
email us, mypartnerhasadd[at]gmail[dot]com
Share your story. Thanks for listening.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Where to Begin.........
I suppose the best place to start is with my name....Steve my wife is Laura and Brit and Mike are friends from college who have seen us at our worst and at our best and everything in between. Mike and I have ADD, our partners don't.
Brief History of Steve
ADD has been a force in my life before I can fully recollect, my mother told me that in pre-kindergarten in 1986 that the teacher told her I may have Attention Deficit Disorder, from what I was told there was not much in the way of treatment back then so it was chalked up to me being a wild kid. As a kindergartner I was told I spent almost every day in the principals office, I couldn't sit still, I couldn't stop talking, I drew red dots all over myself to convince my teacher I had chicken pox, and this was just through kindergarten. My educational journey has if nothing else been colorful, attending catholic school for 9 years left school authorities thinking they had just spent 9 years in the presence of the antichrist, none the less I made friends, headed the student council, and achieved good grades. The same can be said for my overall experience in high school as well. College was a much harder endeavor for me, no one watching, no one taking attendance, and tons of distractions resulted in a semesters starting with 12 credits and ending with 6.
During my prolonged stint in pursuit of my bachelors degree I managed to meet an Intelligent, beautiful, compassionate, and trustworthy women whom I somehow convinced to be my wife. She is the most amazing person I have ever met, She is my best friend, and truly the reason I get up every morning. We have been married for 2 years, 10 months, 21 days and together for 5 years and 7 months. We have been grown together as a couple, as a family , and as individuals. This phrase is overused and undervalued but I truly couldn't have dreamt of a more ideal partner. We have experienced some devastating lows, and exhilarating highs, my ADD has affected us emotionally, financially, and in ways I am sure I cant quantify, but for some reason unknown to me my best friend has stood by me and believed in me when I was at the absolute bottom, she has shown me what love and commitment truly means and I will never be able to express to her how much that means to me.
The decision to treat my ADD with medication has turned out to be the savior of my marriage, family, and personal relationships. To say I was destructive before would be an understatement, and with the new found clarity of thought provided by my dopamine enhancing friend I can see clearly how my actions have affected my partner, my family, my friends, and myself. This has been a blessing and a curse, looking into the mirror and being disgusted by what you see is not easy to deal with, but I have found it is a necessity.
The road to my amphetamine induced nirvana has been challenging to say the least, Adderall was not my initial attempt at medicating my disease. Adderall came along after botched attempts at self medication (both prescribed and un-prescribed), along with countless personal and professional struggles.
My goal with this blog is to provide an outlet for my partner, our friends, and anyone who wants an understanding of the affect on the daily lives of those living with or with someone who has ADD.
Brief History of Steve
ADD has been a force in my life before I can fully recollect, my mother told me that in pre-kindergarten in 1986 that the teacher told her I may have Attention Deficit Disorder, from what I was told there was not much in the way of treatment back then so it was chalked up to me being a wild kid. As a kindergartner I was told I spent almost every day in the principals office, I couldn't sit still, I couldn't stop talking, I drew red dots all over myself to convince my teacher I had chicken pox, and this was just through kindergarten. My educational journey has if nothing else been colorful, attending catholic school for 9 years left school authorities thinking they had just spent 9 years in the presence of the antichrist, none the less I made friends, headed the student council, and achieved good grades. The same can be said for my overall experience in high school as well. College was a much harder endeavor for me, no one watching, no one taking attendance, and tons of distractions resulted in a semesters starting with 12 credits and ending with 6.
During my prolonged stint in pursuit of my bachelors degree I managed to meet an Intelligent, beautiful, compassionate, and trustworthy women whom I somehow convinced to be my wife. She is the most amazing person I have ever met, She is my best friend, and truly the reason I get up every morning. We have been married for 2 years, 10 months, 21 days and together for 5 years and 7 months. We have been grown together as a couple, as a family , and as individuals. This phrase is overused and undervalued but I truly couldn't have dreamt of a more ideal partner. We have experienced some devastating lows, and exhilarating highs, my ADD has affected us emotionally, financially, and in ways I am sure I cant quantify, but for some reason unknown to me my best friend has stood by me and believed in me when I was at the absolute bottom, she has shown me what love and commitment truly means and I will never be able to express to her how much that means to me.
The decision to treat my ADD with medication has turned out to be the savior of my marriage, family, and personal relationships. To say I was destructive before would be an understatement, and with the new found clarity of thought provided by my dopamine enhancing friend I can see clearly how my actions have affected my partner, my family, my friends, and myself. This has been a blessing and a curse, looking into the mirror and being disgusted by what you see is not easy to deal with, but I have found it is a necessity.
The road to my amphetamine induced nirvana has been challenging to say the least, Adderall was not my initial attempt at medicating my disease. Adderall came along after botched attempts at self medication (both prescribed and un-prescribed), along with countless personal and professional struggles.
My goal with this blog is to provide an outlet for my partner, our friends, and anyone who wants an understanding of the affect on the daily lives of those living with or with someone who has ADD.
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