Introducing...
Hello, my name is Acosta and I have ADHD, and my partner doesn't, 'cause I don't have one. Though this started with people trying to help those relationships in which ADHD is a key component, I thought it'd be good for the single man of the group to share how his disabilities are mostly to blame for his relationship status. (Or so I want to think.)
So who am I? (Quick history)
I entered this group through Mike. We've both been special education teachers for the past 5 years and have become best friends in the process. Then I was fortunate enough to meet Britt, the girl's AMAZING, and have now become friends with Steve and Lollybird, two REALLY cool people also. Though my buddies have found that special someone who was willing to love them for everything they are and appreciate them for all the good they do despite their struggles, I haven't. So I figured I would share parts of that journey so that others know they are not alone.
Well, let me start with why I feel my input can be useful for this blog. I've been officially diagnosed with ADHD since I was 24 and was officially diagnosed with severe clinical depression and general anxiety this year. I'm 27. I also deal with full body tics, ODD and OCD tendencies. I take TWO medication for my depression. One also medicates my anxiety and the other "assist" with my ADHD. I tried Adderall when I was first diagnosed with ADHD, but depression was my more severe disability, so the medication wasn't appropriate. I stopped taking it and after trying other 'alternative' medicates as coping mechanisms, I began to realize these "meds" were effecting me differently than everyone else. While others would become "high", they'd tell me I'd become "normal". Of course these meds weren't appropriate either. I needed to kill the beast. My depression.
At the age of 26 I hit my lowest point. I had my suicide planned and could not be left alone for fear I would follow through. It was at the point when I found myself going to my neighbor's house just so I could be supervised that I realized I needed help. I tried my best, but this beast was not my creation and I wasn't going to win the war. I never had medical insurance until I became a teacher, so I thought I'd start taking advantage of it. Knowing you need help and ACTUALLY TRYING to get help is a battle in itself. Mike saw I was struggling and told me he'd give me some of his anxiety medication, which also medicated depression, with the goal that I'd go get my own diagnosis. Depression was an easy diagnosis. I've had a relatively easy life from the outside. I've never needed food, clothes or shelter. Plus, I'd get most other things I wanted. Still, I've wanted to die EVERY SINGLE NIGHT since around the age of 12. I'd hope I'd go to sleep for the last time, but would curse the day when I'd wake the following morning. I've survived under the radar from others because I'd consider myself an INCREDIBLE actor. People think I'm a very happy person and even comment on how much I smile, but I've worked days at school were I've needed to leave campus to cry just because I couldn't hold it in any longer. I'd dry up and go back at it. No one would know. I didn't know I had anxiety until after I'd started on meds and realized my body felt different, relaxed, but good. Now I pop my pills every morning and literally go explore life like I was just born and it's not so bad this time 'round. With this cocktail of happiness, I don't really feel all that different, I just make better choices and am able to do things I'd never been able to do before. It's AWESOME! It's only been about 6 months, but I'm loving my progress.
Ok, now what does this have to do with ADHD. Everything. Disabilities are often co-morbid with other disabilities and they play off each other, making the individual symptoms worse. Currently, my ADHD is worse, I guess. Without anxiety holding me back, I'm much more impulsive and confident than ever before.
What about romance? (This part is short.)
I've really only been interested in 6 girls my entire life, but I only dated 3. The rule is: If I like you first, I will fuck it up and scare you away. I was friends with the other girls or it was mutual, so I didn't fuck it up in my 3 successes. I'm EXTREMELY picky because I'm well aware I'm a tough pill to swallow. I'd need a very strong woman who would see me for what I do and not focus on my challenges.
So what's my love life like?
Think of a bell curve with time/knowledge of me on the X-axis and how much you'd like me on the Y-axis. People sometimes find my behavior annoying at first, but with time, I can usually get people to like me as they get to know me. Remember, this is a bell curve, so everyone in my life has always hit a high point, then took a rapid decent toward disliking me. Girls ALWAYS think they can deal with me or that I can't be as bad as I think, but when it comes down to it, they can't. I keep many of my problems inside, but if someone keeps pushing, and I grow to trust them, I spill my guts. That's when I become too much. It's like the levy breaks and out comes the flood, washing them away.
Out of the 3 girls I dated, I was only in a relationship with one of them. It lasted 3.5 years. I was truly and madly in love. This girl was more important than ANYTHING else in the world and I would have done anything for her. And I did. She was the first person ever in my life to truly love me. She taught me everything I now know about love. She taught me to believe in myself and that I wasn't as big of an asshole as I thought I was. But after my 1st year of teaching, I hit rock bottom. I lost interest in EVERYTHING, even sex! I just wanted to stay home and sleep. After a discussion with her one day, I realized I was holding her back. I was useless at the time. We were always focused on being best friends, so as her best friend, I told her she could do better than me. She agreed. I know that seems cold, but this girl is truly is an amazing person, and even amazing people struggle when confronted with issues they CAN'T understand. It also hard to see the problems when you're still living the problems.
Contrary to what most people thought, we remained best friends, but just friends. That was until this year. After 6+ years of dealing with my same problems, she had enough. My disabilities had done too much damage and she doesn't want anything to do with me now. She'd admit I am an amazing person and can be nearly perfect at times, but the symptoms of my disabilities can be too much sometimes. So we no longer have any connect solely because of my disabilities.
Although that should have literally killed me, it didn't. (I still managed to put a hole in one of my doors though.) Obviously it wasn't easy, but it was NOTHING compared to my depression before I was medicated. Luckily for me, this schism didn't happen until a couple months after I had found my appropriate med cocktail, so I survived.
So as I said at the start, I'm the only single guy in the mix, but who knows what will happen. I joke that I'm becoming allergic to women, so I can't get too close now. I also view women as I giant Rubix cube that I have just become tired of trying to figure out, so I'm putting it to the side for now. I'll tell you'll details as things progress. Stay tuned.
-Acosta
Note: I highly encourage people with any knowledge on the subject to contribute. I know too many people hiding these issues because they feel alone. You are not alone! People are a lot more "messed up" then they let others know. We need to help and support each other so that we can help others understand us, but most importantly, so future generations of kids don't grow up with the same problems we did. Receiving the appropriate treatment in time is often what will help us survive. It hurts me to think of all the people who have suffered from my disabilities, but didn't get treatment in time, and are now either in jail or dead.
Honesty may save a life.
